Eesti

Allikas: Ebatsüklopeedia

TÕLKIGE SEE KRDI ARTIKKEL ÄRA!!! MIDA KRDIT TE MÕTLESITE SEE ON JU INGLISE KEELES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What?

 See artikkel räägib Eestist; Läti kohta vaata artiklist Läti

Estonian SSR flag.png Welcome to estonia.jpg
Lipp Vapp
Keel sugri-mugri pidžin
Pealinn Tartu
Rahvaarv e-elanikke üle 800000
Koeratõud 80% saksa lambakoer, 10% eesti hagijas, 5% vene hurt, 3% määratlemata
Kuningas Strippar Marko II
Kuninganna Anna-Maria Londonist
Peaminister Brian Uku Mubarak III
Rahatäht Eüro
Riigihümn Leto svet, mu häppiniss
Riigiusk tehnoloogiline optimism


Eesti, tihti valesti kirjutatult Kohuke, Boneraniia, Sti, Stanistan, Setomaa, e-Esti, Elboonia,Etsii, Island, MiR, Olen Pilves või Austraalia, on kõige tähtsam riik Lääne-Edela Afraasias, kus kõik on pilves, tunnustatud nende poolt, kellel on ajud maailma parima suurriigina oma hiiglasuure sõjaväe ja kultuurilise mõjuna maailmas, selle koloonia Bologna poolest ja lõpuks, mis on kindlasti ka kõige vähem tähtis, oma kurikuulsa šašlõkki poolest. Pane tähele, et kuigi selles artikklis on mõned kirjavead, on veel lõpetamata artikkel Tõde Eesti kohta täiesti vale ja annab meelega pildi hüper-superlatiivse pildi sellest riigist- teisisõnu, tõe.


Sisukord

[redigeeri] Hüüdlause

ALEJANDRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to estonia.jpg

Üleüldine vale arusaam, et see logo (mida kutsutakse ka "Eesti Nokiaks") on tehtud parima Eesti disaineri poolt (mõned valetajad ütlevad, et ta on ainus, kuid see pole üldse tõsi). Kuulujutud räägivad, et see olevat maksnud rohkem, kui 19 000 000 Eesti Kookonit. Seal on kirjas "Tule Eestisse, tasuta leib!". Seda hüüdlauset kasutati varem selleks, et idapoolseid koloniseerijaid Eestisse kutsuda. Peaaegu 60 aastat hiljem leiti see hüüdlause KGB arhiividest. See hüüdlause näitab ka, et sõna "Eesti" inglisekeelne vaste "Estonia" koosneb kahest sõnast: "Est" ja "Onia". Est tähendab idat (seda ilmakaart) ja Onia võrdub ju ilmselgelt sibulaga, niisiis peaks Eestit tegelikult Ida Sibulamaaks kutsuma. Ja sibul on eestlaste jaoks sünonüüm sõnale juurvili.

Tõsi, logo on kõhedusttekitav, kuid see teebki selle lahedaks, või vähemalit arvas seda ülalnimetatud disainer. Ülejäänud inimestele meeldib lihtsalt mõelda, et too oli kas liiga pikk või liiga hull Yoda, Poesõdade autori järgi. Seda hüüdlauset aetakse väga tihti Eesti lipuga segamini.

[redigeeri] Keel

Sugri-mugri pidžin on kõige imelikum keel maailmas. Enamikel sõnadel on 4 vokaali järjest ja vähemalt üks Ümläüẗ nagu "jäääär", "töööö", või "kuuuurïja". Mõned sõnad saavad tähendada peaaegu kõike. Näiteks, "tee" tähendab (1) tee (nt maantee), (2) tee (jook), ja (3) tee! (käskiv kõneviis). Ühesõnaga: kaks põhiprobleemi eesti keeles: pole sugu (he=she)ja pole tuleviku vormi, lihtsate sõnadega MITTEMINGIT SEKSI, MITTEMINGIT TULIEVIKU!!!

Üks asi, mida välismaalased märkavad eestlaste puhul on see, et nad räägivad kogu aeg seksist. 'Terviseks' (tavaline toost mida mõnikord peetakse "tervisega seonduvaks" kuid miis tegelikult tähendab "teeme seda, sa tead, mida ma mõtlen"), 'varastamiseks' (varastada seksimise ajal), 'põletamiseks' (põletada seksimise ajal), 'seksimiseks' (seksida seksimise ajal), 'kastreerimiseks' (kastreerima seksimise ajal), 'soomuutmiseks' (soo muutmiseks seksimise ajal) on kõigest mõndadest tegusõnadest, mida saab lõpetada suhviksiga "seks".See paneb Eestlasi mitte tahtma seksida, sotsioloogid spekuleerivad. Seal on üks hea lause mäletamiseks "Tule mulle naiseks", läheme ja saame meeletut seksi, me ei pea olema abielus et seda teha.

Number kaksteist: "noku maitse", jaa üks aasta eesti keeles on "noku jääb heaks" (kaksteist kuud).

Eestis on palju murdeid. Enim teatud murre on 'Ilmatsalu Murre'. Neile meeldib ka öelda 'Ää jõrr meees' (Ära räägi seosetult minuga) ja 'Määnselt laheda kiirendusega BMW, millel olid säänselt suured rattad' (Selle laheda kiirendusega BMW-ga peab olema VÄGA SUURED rattad). Kui sa kuuled kedagi ütlemas sellist tüüpi lauseid, siis sa peaksid jooksma. Nad võivad teha KAHJU sulle!

Vastupidiselt nende väidetele, enamus Eestlased ei saa päriselt rääkida või kirjutada Eesti keelt õigesti. See leht on bona fide näide Inglise keeles sõnadest kirjutatud kasutades head vana Eesti keele grammatikat, ka teatud lausena "sorav Inglise keeles" igas Eesti CV-s.

[redigeeri] Kultuur

[redigeeri] Müüdid ja Legendid

Kõik eestlased usuvad paganlikus jumalas Tarapita, tuntud ka kui Taara (tähendus sama, mis tühjadel õllepudelitel). Tarapita sündis Eesti maismaa kirdeosas, pühas hiius, mis asub mäe peal; sealt lendas ta Suurele Munamäesaarele (Great-Egg-Hill-Island), tegi hädamaandumise, jättes maha suure kaatri, mis on nüüdseks täitunud veega ja kannab Kaali järve (Lake Kaali) nime - see pole nali! See jumal on tuntud oma viljakuse poolest (vt. Ajalugu) ning selle poolest, et ta hirmutas Teises Ristisõjas Kristlikul Jumalal junni jahedaks, kui kasutas oma Välgunoolt koos Mürginoovaga(lvl 65). Tänapäeval austavad eestlased Taarat prügi ümber tantsimisega 24. juunil (John Smith's day)

Teine kuulus mütoloogiline olend on Peeter Võsa, tegelane ainukesest täielikult eestikeelsest raamatust. Eestlased on selle raamatu üle väga uhked ja igaüks, kes seda lugenud, võib sõita ühistranspordis(mis tähendab kaht ja poolt trammiliini Tallinnas) tasuta. See on tasuta tõlge Joyce Odüsseusest, ent mõned fantaasiaelemendid on lisatud baltisaksa arsti F.R Kreutzwaldi poolt. Selles raamatud leidub pornot (rootslannat vägistatakse saarel), jõhkrat tapmist (Soomest mõõkade varastamine), smuugeldamist (puidu toomine üle Peipsi) ja jäsemete fetišit (ühe tüübi käed ja jalad lõigatakse lõpus ära). Kuna Kalevipoja müügiedukus oli algaastatel kasin, siis lisati pilte alasti inimestest. Muideks, Peeter Võsa on suurepärane näide keskmisest Eesti mehest. Tänapäeval on see populaarsusest teine raamat, kohe peale Edgar Savisaare "Peaminister. Eesti lähiajalugu 1990 - 1992", mis sisaldab vähem paljaid inimesi, kuid on kirjutatud avioseksuaalse Pakistani juurtega konna poolt. Tänu oma tohutule kaalule(tükk kaalub üle 10kg) ja hämmastavale vastupidavusele äärmuslike olude suhtes kasutatakse seda enamasti ehitusmaterjalina juhul kui tellistest puudu tuleb. Tasub ka mainida, et kogu Eesti peresüsteem põhineb "Kalevipojal". Põhiliselt nimede poolest, "Kalevipoeg" tähendab "Kalevi poega". Kalevipojal oli neli venda: Sulevipoeg(Sulevi poeg), Olevipoeg(Olevi poeg), Klaveripoeg(Klaveri poeg, tuntud ka kui Reinhold Rannap) ja O'Boeg (O - poeg, juttude järgi eostatud oraalse vahekorra ajal). Veel tänapäevani on tavaks, et emad nimetavad oma lapsed nende isade järgi. Kui isa nimi ei ole teada, siis antakse lapsele nimeks "Edgaripoeg"(Edgari poeg). Edgar on metasüntaktiline muutuja, mida kasutavad Eesti Perl programmeerijad.

[redigeeri] Köök

Traditsiooniline Eesti köök koosneb toitudest mis on halvaks läinud või lihtsalt mädanenud. Näiteks hapukapsas(rotten cabage), hapukurk(rotten cucumbers), kaerakile(old sour porrige), hapupiim(milk gone off), mida tarbitakse segatuna mitmevilja jahuga (ei, ma ka ei tea, mis eesmärgil seda tehakse), nimetusega kama.

Ka on eestlased seadusega kohustatud iga einega tarbima sea parimaid osi. Enamasti söövad eestlased loomast neid osi, mis eelmised valitsejad minema viskasid. Sisikonnad, kõrvad ja sabad on domineerivateks. Üheks kõige tähtsamaks roaks on veri, terad ja rasvatükikesed topituna soolestikku ning seda nimetatakse verivorstiks(blood sausage). Selle valmistamiseks tuleb tappa siga, tema veri välja imeda, pärasool ära lõigata ja see täis toppida verd, vilja ning rasva ja siis - ära arvasid - tuleb see ära süüa. Igale eestlasele meeldib veri. Eestlastel on terve hulk veretoite. Isegi Mäkdonaldsis pakutakse vereburgerit ja suurt vereburgerit. Verd saab osta supermarketitest; seda müüakse väikestes pakkides nagu mahla. Valga maakonna inimesed on väga kiindunud Verefestivali, mis leiab aset iga päev klubis nimega "Valga lihakombinaat".

Tänapäeval söövad eestlased erinevaid toite nagu liiv, Läti hapukurk ja šokolaad, mis tuleb šokolaadimonopolilt "Kalev". Liiva süüakse eriti palju Eesti edelapiirkonnas, enamasti liivatehas Pärnu lähistel. Liiva kui rahvustoidu juured ulatuvad kaugesse minevikku, aega, kus Eesti hõimud valitsesid kogu Sahara ja Atacama kõrbesid. Arvatakse, et kuna sooviti kohalikest eristuda hakati sööma liiva. Ka Läti hapukurk on eestlase igapäevatoidu lahutamatu osa. Eestlased ütlevad, et nad söövad Läti hapukurki kuna: 1. See on ainus toit, mida müüakse poes 2. See on odav (5 EEKi tükk). Erinevalt laialtlevinud arusaamast ei söö tegelikult keegi kanahakkliha. Selle toidu peamine otstarve on hirmutada lapsi, et need hakkaksid taimetoitlasteks.

Kui eestlased parajasti hapukurki, liiva või verd ei söö tegeletakse šokolaadi söömisega, mida saadakse šokolaaditehasest "Kalev", mis mõned aastad tagasi oli jäätmehoidla. Kuuldavasti on see roomajatulnukate mõju all, kes peidavad oma mune šokolaadi sisse. Eesti šokolaad koosneb verest, liivast ja hapukurkidest. Uus maitserevolutsioon leidis aset 2004. aastal, mil "Kalev" hakkas importima mustanahalisi, peidetuna kohviubade hulka. Vaata Postimehe artiklit.Tšekki artikklit järgmises lingis Postimees


Üheks peamiseks rahvustoiduks on šašlõk ja ainuke mittealkohoolne jook, mida inimesed tarbivad on "Belõi Aist" või "Armenjak".

Õiged eestlased ei pea lugu õllest ja veinist. Eestlased on tootnud maailma ainukest 195% vodkat, mis on mõeldud tarbimiseks inimestele: jook on nii kuiv, et see sõna otses mõttes imeb õhust kogu niiskuse. Mitte üheski olukorras ei tohiks astuda joomavõistlusesse eestlase vastu.

Järjekordne eestlaste lemmiktoit on toores, marineeritud kala. Eestlase arusaam ideaalsest Rootsi lauast sisaldaks kahtteist sorti toorest kala, mis oleks marineeritud soolvees(eelistatavalt võiksid kalad verised olla) ja musta leiba.

Aga, ükski õige eestlane ei puudutaks eluseeski toitu juhul, kui see pole tehtud täpselt nii nagu seda tegi vanaema Saaremaalt. Sõnad, mis hirmutavad eestlasi toidust eemale on "tervislik", "vürts" või "juurvili".

[redigeeri] Rahvarõivad

Nii nagu paljudel teistel Ida-Euroopa riikidel, on ka Eestil oma äratuntav rahvarõivastus.

Eesti rahvarõiva näide

[redigeeri] Religion and Cults

Striitreisser ( Street-racers in English) on suur grupp mehi ja naisi. Enamasti nähakse neid ringi liikumas sinistes vormides, saagiotsinguil Eesti maanteid patrullimas. Nad ei jäta endast maha ühtegi jälge, just nagu ninjad. Vahemärkusena - ninjad on LAHEDAD!

Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (nad fännavad Eurovisiooni Fanclubi). Nad on tavaliselt vaenulikud, rünnates Eesti noori ja paljutõotavaid artiste (nagu bänd Ruffus), ning neid tuleks iga hinna eest vältida. See fännklubi viib oma rituaale ja ohverdusi läbi erinevates kohtades, kuid peamiselt võib neid näha ringi hiilimas nende tarus (ise kutsuvad nad seda Pesaks) - Saku Suurhallis. Kõik kahtlemata mine Tallinna Inglise kolledžisse(dopinguga võimla)


Rate.ee kasutajad (kutsutakse reidipededeks). Nemad on eelpool nimetatuist veel hullemad. Nad armastavad endast igal ajal, igal pool pilte teha ja neid rate.ee keskkonda üles laadida. Nad hindavad pilte ja kommenteerivad neid. Reidipeded veedavad suurema osa päevast rate.ee's (umbes 16 tundi) niiet on ebatõenäoline neid tänavatel kohata (see on hea). Nooremad reidipeded aga veedavad oma aega Viru Keskuses (kutsutakse ka Reidipede Keskuseks). Seal võib neid näha ringi jooksmas ning laamendamas. Tavaliselt saadavad nende tegevusi valjud karjed.

Kui sa soovid väga surra, mine reiti ja hakka kriitikuks (inimene, kes hindab ainult 1-ga). Jäta oma ees- ja perekonnanimi, elukoht, e-mail'i aadress ja telefoninumber ja surm on garanteeritud. See on kiireim viis kellegi, kaasaarvatud enda tapmiseks.

NB: Kasuta enda andmeid, muidu võivad adminid sind bannida.

[redigeeri] Keel ja kõne

Enamus eestlasi ei räägi kunagi, nad tekitavad ainult häälitsusi nagu näiteks: "mmmmmm" ning "lalalala". Kaks muud kõige tavalisemat suhtlemisviisi on sülitamine ja tantsimine. Seega peetakse rääkimist sarja Kodu Keset Linna väljamõeldiseks.

Mõned eestlased (0.71%, viimase uurimuse järgi) toovad kuuldavale keelesarnaseid häälitsusi. Kuna Eesti keelt on äärmiselt raske õppida, rääkimata selle valdamisest, siis enmik kohalike ajavad läbi vaid paari sõnaga (kurat, pede, rate.ee, raisk). Tavaliselt kasutatakse laensõnu Vene, Inglise või Shwahiili keeltest. Venekeelset sõnavara kasutatakse enamasti lakoonilisteks kirjeldusteks, näiteks: "Ты хуй" (Ma armastan sind, aga...). Inglisekeelne osa on peamiselt oma emotsioonide näitamiseks: "Fuck", "Bitch", "fkruslf" jne. Nende lahkete sõnade abil lahendavad eestlased mängleva kergusega igasuguseid erinevaid probleeme ja tulevad välja situatsioonidest, mis võiksid muutuda ebameeldivateks. Eesti keelt (vaata ülemist osa) õpitakse siiani mõnes Soome ja Ungari ülikoolis selle keele kaheldavate Oogry-Moogry juurte tõttu

[redigeeri] Raamatud

A fuller treatment of the Estonian Literature is in a separate article; only the major issues are outlined here. As already mentioned, the only book written entirely in Estonian is Kalevipoeg. There are other books, however, which may be mentioned in this rubric but there are various foreign elements in their language. For example, "Lies and Unjustice" by H. A. Saaretamm (18 volumes) is an important novel and all Estonians who go to school are forced to read the first chapter and to memorize the first page ("There it lies, the Robbers' Hill..."). However, the author makes extensive use of foreign words (e.g., "revolutsioon" in vol. 12, or "sotsialismus" in vol. 9) and is thus alienated from the spirit of Estonian language. The "O spring of my childhood, I jump from joy" by O. Ogalik is a fine piece of poetry in prose, but the majority of the dialogues are in Russian. This is even reflected in the title of the book which in the original version reads as: "Prassai, Primavera!" Consequently, Ogalik should be considered a Russian rather than Estonian writer.

[redigeeri] Geograafia

Vaata: Eesti geograafia

[1]

Eesti hoiab endas mitmeid müsteeriume, legende ja müüte. Enamus neist pajatavad riigi täpsest asukohast. Kõige populaarsem müüt, mida õpetatakse ka paljudes koolides, on, et Eesti asub Tokyost läänes , Setumaast põhjas, Jõuluvana kodust lõunas ja kusagil üleval pool maailma keskpunktist (täpselt ei tea kus),kuid see lugu lükati ametlikult ümber tuues ettekäändeks blogimisest tingitud üleväsimuse.

Teine lugu pajatab, et Eesti on tegelt üks kuradima külm riik, mis on kaetud paksu mudakihiga ning inimestega, kes söövad lapsi, aga seda pole suudetud tõestada, kuna lapsi, kes seda kinnitaks napib.

Kuid, on teada et väikeses linnas Liverpoolis, mis asub Põhja - Eestis võib olla nii külm, et isegi pingviini tiivad jäätuvad ära.

Läbi mitmete uurimuste ja arutluste on hetkene seis selline: Eesti on soe riik vapustavate [[naistega] ja asub Maakera kaguosas. Legend räägib, et naisi imporditi Venemaalt, kingitusena Vladimir VII poolt. Putin, eelmine Vene tsaar Vladimir VII eitab seda, seega on pakutud välja, et asi võis olla vastupidi - kõik Vene naised on tegelikult pärit Eestist.


If there is one thing that all Estonians agree on is that all foreign maps and entries about Estonia in tourist guides, including Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and The ultimate guide to going somewhere, are plain wrong.
Estonia-map1.PNG

Eesti koosneb 35 osariigist, 3 asteroidist, 14 tanklast, umbes 15,000 tualetist ja 2 paraleel dimensioonist. There is a border struggle with Fiji concerning the dimensions at the moment. Eesti elanikkond on 8 ja 9 inimese vahel, 1.1 million Eestlast and 300000 Venelast (kellest umbes 7 ei oma kriminaal mineviku), that is why it is also called the "Most Crowded Country in the World". Peale inimeste (ja venelasi), seal on veel suur number kanu,sigu, metsikuid gorillasi (umbes 5,9 miljardit) ja Kanagorillasi.

Eestis on ainul 3 saart: Pepsi saar, Cola saar ja Fanta saar (varsti tuleb ka Sprite saar). Kaks nendest on juudi saared ja Fanta saarel pole elusat loodust. The Jews have been ruling the Pepsi Island and the Cola Island for 93 years now. Also the American islands and the Australian island are Estonian colonies where live several low-tech gangs (the locals).

Surim järv Eestis on (AbjaPaluoja pori-järv) ja on ka kõige sügavaim (1.5 meetrit) järv maailmas v.a India.

Pikkim jõgi Eestis on Greenwich meridiaan, 439520 kilomeetrit, 23 meetrit, 55cm ja 2mm pikk. See võib ka olla pikkim maailmas,aga kuna see on nii pikk, ei huvita see kedagi.

[redigeeri] Communication

Main article: Communication in Estonia

Estonia has probably the most alienated communication infrastructure in the world. 99% of the population has a computer with Internet connection. The remaining 1% are constantly drunk.

[redigeeri] Internet

There are a number of organisations providing aliens access to the Internet:

  • Runescape.com- Tegelikult Eestlaste oma,see on saladus.Kõik mängivad seda...
  • Starman - run by Martians as a test project. What is it testing and whether the company is really located in Estonia or in Megatexas instead we do not know. The name 'starman' also refers to aliens coming from other stars.
  • Elion - sponsored by the Grand Master of the Aliens, Lennart Meri and run by a bunch of former KGB agents as the sister project to Big Brother. A very dangerous company that keeps people in suspense. The wonderful web page Hot.ee belongs to Elion. The technical assistance they provide with a price of about 10,000 EEC per hour is very advanced with its 'restart your ADSL modem and pray' assistance.
  • STV (short for Sex Television) - not much is known about this organisation. There are rumours that it's led by Dr. Evil, but currently there is no conclusive evidence to support this theory. You may see only pr0n from there, young and very old included.
  • Uninet - according to Estonia's most respected newspaper Nelli Teataja it's a social project created by ETV so they'd have a place where to ship script editors of Soft'n'Furry (a secret show on secret TV for secret services) when they start philosophisizing about the truth.
  • EENet - this organisation only provides an Internet service for "educational purposes", which means that some Estonians are lucky enough to download porn at 1 Gbps.
  • EWN (short for Elion Wrackers Network) - Located in Haapsalu, operated by Norby Telecom who is planing to kill Elion.
  • toru.hot.ee (or as translated from pidgin one-very-hot-pipe) - is main place for l33t warez junkies to trade some pr0n. The biggest pirate FTP server toru.hot.ee is maintained by the biggest ISP, Elion and has a 1 Gbit pipe. Everything there is put there by Microsoft. Thanks, Elion ;)
  • MoonNetworks - the best ISP in Northern-Estonia. Group of Russians attacked Elion and stole their Internet cable. Great connections and great administrators. Superior Estonian language support.
  • Ilmatsalu Highway Cable - the best ISP in Southern-Estonia. Group of Ilmatsalu gang members attacked Starman and stole their Internet cable. Great connection and even greater administrators. Available download speed tops out at 3 bps.


Eestis on:

  • 20 autot (peamiselt '81 Toyota Corolla, '79 Datsun ja '71 Ladad.),
  • 1 500 mobiiltelefoni,
  • 1 000 000 000 000 arvutit (usually with quad-processor systems based on 80386 or 80486 CPU-s) and 9 Macs,
  • 500 999 külmikut,
  • 200 000 000 000 looma (kasse, koeri ja lambaid),
  • 350 banks or credit institutions,
  • 15 state organizations, and
  • umbes 3 ja pool kooli

...interneti ühendusega.

[redigeeri] Rape.ee

Rape.ee is a strange, disturbing phenomenon, it lies on the very edge of the Great Big Internet and lures teens with lots of zits and stupid hair near it, and then swallows them whole. People who have ever come near it and lived to tell the tale, said that they heard screams of young innocent souls yelling out: "Rape my picture! Rape MY picture or I shall put a curse on thee!! yarrrrrrrrr... ICE CREAM!"

This monster is lead by a demonic soul called Andrei, the curse that the Russian Czar Vlad VII(7) put on Estonia. There is only one single way to stop this monstrosity, yea, only one way to save those socially disturbed souls from the church of vanity, the answer lies in "The Farm" (also known as Eesti Nokia). The last few, bold and ugly Anti-rape.ee guerillas are splitted into two organizations called Rape-me-not and Unrape-me-twice.

However, ordinary rape.ee'ers don't understand the point of this attempt and just scream, Mingi v2rdjaz oled w22????????????? Vack kyll, mine octa elu omale-ää!!!!111!!11!!one!1!!! muhhahhaaa :DDDDD icicccc!!!!!1!! - untranslatable language called Muhahaaish (closely related to 1337-sp34k).

[redigeeri] Cell phone

Every single Estonian has a cell phone, younger people usually have two or three and also a laptop computer. This is demanded by a law passed in 1992 by the Riigikogu. There is widespread resentment against this law among the people, who see it as a revenge action by Lennart Meri who couldn't run for president for the 3rd time. Bill Gates himself has more then twenty different phone numbers and he's constantly talking using at least three or four of them. Sometimes you must wait while. His dog called Mathias Rust has 5 mobile phones and 3 fix numbers (doghouse, seaport and sauna). It is easier call to Mathias and say hime - let Bill take phone.

The cellular market has been dominated by Tele2 (ex Q-GSM) as long as anyone can remember. TELE2 is using buses for transporting people to the net area. It is possible to use TELE2 cellular phones in Tartu, Tallinn and Elva. If TELE2 client's phone rings, it means your location is in cities mentoined before. Every TELE2 client asks from the caller - how did you know I'm here??? The telecom operator is EMT (Estonian Mobile Telephone), who has a hard time providing sufficient service and thats why all EMT's clients are suffering under lack of service constantly.

And then there is the Russian capital based Elisa, that sells mobile phones with long cords (not more then 10 km) for maximum service. The Elisa in Estonia is basically braindead. No profit has ever been made and the only mobile which has ever left the factory was eventually stolen by Elisa's Chief of Staff.

In Ilmatsalu, there is no service area for talking with cell phones. If you are going there, then please tell someone, you have been visiting this place. Ilmatsalu city has the biggest crime rate in Estonia. Please, do not visit this place! Visit Haage instead.

POP (from EMT) has also been considered legendary, although there is no legend about it. The POP chips are made with extreme accuracy (using hammers and cables) to flood the market with POP's. The people, who have bought and used POP, say that they have been constantly been in touch with alien reptiles. Although you can't use your cell phone with POP, it is still cool as additional stickers, headbands and other cheap stuff from China are given to you in addition. The POP advertisement staff is also known for their keenness on aliens and lawn-hobbits.

Dill, Zorro, Presidendi Pilsner and etc. are registred trademarks of EMT.

Estonia has a secret GSM operator called Kaubamaja-vork GSM2. Information is confidencial.

New company is VMT (Vormsi Mobile Company) As Vormsi is island between Hiiumaa (Island name translation: giant land) and main land, they do not have electric power. VMT decided to residence on ferrys. There is mobile station on ferry and when it comes near to Vormsi, then Leenu (female Vormsian) sings very loud "levi tuli alleeaa!" and every Vormsian comes with phone. At first pilot project was: calling between Vormsians and ferry travellers, it was very successful. Only the problem was that Hiiumaa poeple do not understand Vormsians. Vormsians are from Sweden. Now Vormsians even waiting for ferry to talk each with other.

[redigeeri] Other

Estonians rejoice the functionality of their only email service provider, Hot.ee. Note that by every email you send using Hot.ee, you will donate 3 peanut shells to Russia as human aid. That campaign was made because the EU wanted money for 1,000,000,000 extra peanut shells.

The so called "cream" people (who have loads of money - they sometimes even use it to light a fire in their fireplaces) use number 2 trolley to find their mansions in Mustamäe. If you really want to see how rich Estonians are, use that # 2!!!!

Also they have Secret TV3, run under alien control.

Estonian weather is the most interesting thing in the world - no one ever can know the way it will change in the next moment, even Estonians themselves.

[redigeeri] History

[redigeeri] General

Once upon a time there was some guy called Tarapita, who claimed to be a Jedi and most likely also a demi-god. He had four sons: Kalev, Sulev, Olev and Dimitri. When Tarapita died it turned out he'd lost all his fortune playing cards in Las Vegas(it is more likely that he just spent it on booze and hookers, but that subject is still open for debate). Thus the land was confiscated by powers that be and the 4 guys had to create a new home for themselves. They decided to choose the future king by throwing rocks. Sulev, the oldest, threw the rock far, far into some un-named lake. Dimitri threw even further. Kalev, the youngest and the stupidest but also the strongest threw the furthest and thus won. Kalev had a son whose translated name is Kalevson. Kalevson likes finnish girls very much and often walks to finland to have some fun.

Without much thought he went and sat down in the nearest swamp and declared this spot to be the Kingdom of Estonia It was in the swamp he met Estonia`s national-animal-to-be - the hedgehog - who gave him advice in the matters of importing timber from Tiblastan and exporting it to the European Union.

There are no surviving records as to what Olev was doing at the time. Some say he was sleeping after playing holdem poker the whole night, others claim he was starting the trend which was destined to become the first and most honoured Estonian tradition - being in the wrong place at the right time.

But Dimitri went to east and settled a new colonisation for Estonia. It is known now as Russia. Russia means- ruttu siia! In English- Come hurry! Thats why in 1940 Estonia conquered Soviet Union and occupied in until for fifty years.

See also this webpage about Estonian kings.

[redigeeri] Sõjad Lätiga

Saldejumsi Sõjad Lätiga on kõige tähtsamad sündmused Eesti lähiajaloos. Hiljuti on levinud kuuldused, et siiani leidub Läti alasid, mida kontrollivad "metsikud Eesti hõimud". Aga, kuna ühtki tunnistajat (eelkõige saldejumslased ise) ei ole ellu jäänud, on raske leida nende sündmuste kohta kindlat informatsiooni.


Kilusõda (The Sprat war) on korduv sõda Läti ja Eesti vahel. See saab alguse kui kaks meest tahavad poolitada üht kilu. Kilu pooldub halvasti ja sõda saab alguse. Seda sõda peetakse tavaliselt merel ning osavõtjad teesklevad, et mõlemal poole eest sõdib 600 000 mereväelast, 320 erinevat tüüpi laeva, 30 õhktranspordi kandjat, 50 000 lennukit, 570 helikopterit ja 25 verekoera, kui mitte arevastada vene spioone, kes osalevad 5 tankiga. Need tankid on senini kadunud, ent Eesti Must Arheoloog Ville otsib neid.

[redigeeri] Administratsioon

Eesti rahvuslipp.Nii halb see ongi.
Nõukogude aja lipp, ajast kui disain polnud tähtis.

Eesti kuningas on Edgar Savisaar (a.k.a Savist Saar, Savipäts, ninasarvik, Savi, Rico Suave, Sarvik (the Devil)). Vähemalt nii taravab ise, kuna teda järgib kultus nimega K-eks-erakond. Samuti loetakse heaks tavaks ebausaldada igasuguseid administratiivasutusi ning korraldada valimisi tihedamini kui ametlikult tarvis. 2005. aasta oktoobris määrati Savisaar ametlikult Eesti rahvuskangelaseks nimega Kohuke Suur (Kohuke the Great), tuntud ka kui Kohuke Vägev.


That is why all the senior citizens rebel against the law. Several collisions between Government Anti Yippie (G.A.Y) and Estonian Liberation Forces (E.L.F) have taken place near the Kings highly defended castle. But there are no records of civilian causalities.

[redigeeri] Peaminister

Praegune Peaminister, Brian Uku Mubarak III, on väidetava "Kassi" mentaliteedi all kes on tegelt vene KGB-agent kassi riietuses. Tema nimi on Yuri Prime. Tema hüüdnimi on Miizu.

Miizu mõju all Brian Uku Mubarak III teostas mitu häbiväärset tegu millest kohalik folklöör ei tea, and is aligned with the plan of Estonian annihilation master-minded by Russia and Putin. Mõned ütlevad et Andrus Unzipi tegelik nimi on Jedi-master Windu, kes kasutab Stenbocki Maja keldreid et hoida vaenlasi Ilmatsalu Naljamajast eemal.

[redigeeri] Teised valitsuse ametnikud

  • Eesti asepresident on Homer Simpson, hästi tuntud tema abitsioonide eest,et tuua rahu maailmas.

[redigeeri] Organisatsioonid

Rohkem poliitilisi liikumisi Eestis:

  • Prussakov Bicycle Union (left wing radicals / biker terrorists)
  • Nõmme Raadio (ultra parem tiib, tänapäeva terroristid relvastatud FM sageduse mastidega)
  • Rullnokad (ass-wipes, who are speeding with their 15 year old cars. They are the biggest risk group in Estonia)
  • Keskerakond (suurim gäng Eestis)
  • ETA (Eesti Terroristide Assotsiatsioon, salajane propaganda agentuur, keelatud ja nüüd maaalune)
  • SQUAD - Endised KGB agendid kes liitusid vägedega et hoida Pelõi Aist läbimüüki.
  • Res Publica (The best "r" saying and neck-bending gang, teisiti nimetatud Bez Rublika, on the Hill of the Great Eggs)

[redigeeri] Security and Privacy

[redigeeri] Politsei

Eesti on tuntud oma turvaliste tänavatega. Et teha asja hullemaks, Eesti valitsus mitteametlikult palkas mõned gorillad, et jahtuda kodanike ja purjus Soome turiste. Need gorillad on tuntud kui F.A.L.C.K. - Finnish Agents & Libyan Cat Killers(Soome agendid & Lüübia kassitapjad). They have efficiently evolved with the situation in Estonia and are known as the second threat to society (the Parliament wins the most-dangerous-adversary award.

Many Estonians have heard about a new threat to the Empire - a secret project a.k.a The Naabrivalve (the same as Big Brother). Already, hundreds of civilians have been involved in this soon-to-be-big project. The people involved (also known as the NV-s) become very weird, they want to attack everyone and in most of the cases they want to mate with everything that moves (sometimes even with things that don't move!). So you'd better watch your back when you happen to see a "Naabrivalve" sign on a house.

You can easily recognise the participants of The Naabrivalve by staring them in the eye. If they attack you, rip you into pieces and afterwards feed your body parts to their dogs, then you've found them. The NV-s are most vicious at night, at that time they can even attack their relatives who have come to lurk behind their door, (maybe just come to visit,) so watch out by all means! And also thousands of mail deliverers have been killed due to this aggressive overwhelming project. They show no mercy.

Other important tweaks in the Estonian Security System. The policemen (in Estonia known as the mendid, a word unsurprisingly and shamelessly abducted from Russian ["ment"]) are trained very carefully under the surveillance of extreme professionals. No food is given to them during the training period (which is only 20 years) and the mendid are only allowed to drink contaminated water. They also have to cope some extreme conditions such as 200 degree heat (on sundays) and cold 100 degree below zero (on mondays). During the other weekdays they spend some quality time in Sahara desert and learn some useful skills to fight crime in Estonia. All in all the mendid are physically very tough and mentally as well. Sometimes they seem to be a bit stupid but they only pretend that. Unfortunately the mendid are not good enough to keep crime out of Estonia. Maybe it is because of the little food they are allowed to eat but maybe it's just that the criminals have better preparations.

The mendid usually use wrenches to fight criminals. But sometimes they are even allowed to use metal sticks.

The mendid are appointed to "take care of the order", and are therefore not interested in disorder. Lingi nimi

[redigeeri] Military

Eesti Kaitse Vagu. 8k of people 2 fast jets AN-2. Estonian military was founded and is sponsored by the Great King George II. of the United States of Whatever. Many attempts to privatize the forces to local venture capitalists LHV have failed due to misunderstandings between the Strong Estonian Unions and LHV and the fact that Master Lõhmus of the LHV is not willing to take over costs for providing socks instead of the usual foot sheats.

[redigeeri] KKP

KKP - KeskKriminaal Politsei asub Kihnu saarel kus on ka vangla.

[redigeeri] KAPO

The KAPO is the estonia's backbone of security. It can be compared to FBI, KGB, Gestapo etc. KAPO's history began in 1995, when five expelled students made a terrorist organization, which they named after their leader KAUPO the Great. The original KAUPO existed only for 5 days because the leader Kaupo was arrested for stealing milk from a civilian cow. Then a number of backfalls came: after 7 days their HQ was invaded by seals and they moved to one of the member's dog's kennel. Secondly one of KAUPO's members got preagnent and was taken away (to the morgue). The 3rd event was most devastating: KAUPO went bankrupt and could not supply the HQ with enough cigars (12 packs per hour) and so the KAUPO was torn apart. 2 years later a religious group became the team with one difference: they named their group KAPO (because GOD doesn't know letter "U"). They carried on the traditions of the original KAUPO (throwing dogs with stones, skinning birds etc.) until they all came to an end in a streetfight. Today we know KAPO as the main reason for hunger, high rate of syphilis, war with Latvia and the "unexplained" disappareance of the ex Prime Minister's cat. The KAPO, which is controlled by Russians (54,2%), jedis (23,3%), American Businessmen (20,1%) and the National Library (2,4%), is the most substancial force in the battle against the Empire and the Federation. Althogh noone actually works there and the HQ is burnt down (by Rullnoxid), Estonia's politicians, people, finance, people's privacy and pizza bars are kept under control by this Big Brother. KAPO's (KAitsePOlitsei) main partner is TÜrgi RAtsapolitsei.

[redigeeri] Green Men Killas (ESTPLA-11)

The widely-known-in-media Top Secret high-tech protection unit keeps eternal peace in Baghdad, Beijing and occasionally on Mars. Their advanced WaterPistol-X666 weapon keeps peace everywhere, George Bush's backyard included.

[redigeeri] Economy

[redigeeri] Currency

Vaata: Eesti Kookon

Estonia's unit of currency is the Estonian Cocoon, which is freely convertible with live chickens and other Estonian Cocoons at the rate of \sqrt{-1} to 1. This unusual monetary policy has led to centuries of rampant confusion and massive spurts of hyper-inflation, followed by periodic bouts of hyper-deflation, and occasionally both inflation and deflation at the same time, with the fates of billions of live chickens and chikenogorillas hanging in the balance.

[redigeeri] Banks

The highest Estonian bank is situated in Ontika. It is 56 meters high. The other famous banks are Panga pank (bank of Bank) in Saaremaa (21.3 m), and Ühispank in Tallinn (more than 80 m, but this one is artificial).

[redigeeri] Dependence on Finland

The Estonian economy is fully dependent on Finnish alcohol tourists. In Tallinn, the Finnish also liven up the prostitution, which, however, is dependent of Russian women (however, see above, by all accounts Russian women seem to have an Estonian origin in the first place).

[redigeeri] Export

Some time ago Estonians used to export electricity as well but when they managed to blow up the entire city of Saint- Petersburg they agreed that it's not the best idea. Unfortunately it was already too late. Used toilet paper used to be exported to Latvia, but with the constant decline of population due to alcoholism and the official no-sex policy, this cannot probably last for long.

Big market is exporting Danish flags. People from Denmark love this flag very much.

Estonians also export hundreds of kilos of drugs. It is usually sent to Finland or Sweden as humanitarian aid, but they usually get caught.

[redigeeri] Import

Eesti impordib mustlasi, mobiiltelefone ja liiva, mis on puhutud läbi naftajuhtme Fidžile ja siis ostetud tagasi Eestisse.

[redigeeri] Nature

Polar bears live in Estonia.

Estonia is very well known for its effort to put a man Juku Kakarind near the moon using a self-propelled rubbish bin. His famous phrase "Smell ya later" is engraved on every bin since. Since visibility is near zero throughout the year, which is caused by deodorants, there's absolutely nothing to see in Tartu. Currently, the scientists are investigating the reasons behind the fact that there are some people in Estonia who truly believe that Tartu is nothing but a myth and it exists only in imagination.

Controversially, there are some people that religiously believe that Tartu is THE place to be and live. Another point that deserves closer scientific investigation is strange phenomena of changing people. Otherwise normal people, after moving to Tartu, will very soon change radically: their eyesight goes foggy, clothes strange, they forget to talk the way it makes sense, this usage of beer, wine and some other bad chemicals will dramatically increase. They blame the Spirit of Tartu themselves, but that may be also fake, as the whole village of Tartu. One thing about Tartu is real though - the Statoil gas station right in the centre of it.

Elsewhere in the country people throwing their trash in the woods to celebrate Kakarind first, second and thirds flight and recently situation became desperate as people can't see any more the trees behind piles of rubbish.

Unlike it done in some civilised countries government refuses to pay for refuse collection and using special refuse dispersion birds - called "Suitsupääsuke", the Pubes' Smoking Swallows in English. Its numbers are going down in other countries, as the new laws prohibiting smoking pubes in public are destroying its habitat. Estonia is the last country on Earth to offer a refuge to this wonderfully unhealthy species.

Pubes' Smoking Swallow is a national bird of the republic of Estonia. The bird got it's name from fast changing climate in Estonia. Summer comes so fast that the gentle bird is not used to such heat and literally burns its pubes in the sky with thick smoke. Every summer all the birds are replaced with new ones, specially bred in the laboratories of Tallinn Zoo under the surveillance of , most famous Estonian surgeon who as a first man in earth added with complicated surgery successfully monkeys ass under his right armpit, "just for fart" as he commented it himself sniffing finger.

Young swallows also have serious tobacco smoking problem and the death rate to tobacco related diseases is highest in all national birds worldwide.

The most famous tobacco brand is "Leek", translated "the Pubes on Fire". It reminds them of their fore-fathers burning in the sky.

They meditate and chant: "Higher, higher pubs on fire!"

According to natural scientist in the BBC, Estonian forests deem with fruit bats. They visit the local supermarkets of which there are, gratefully, an abundance, to purchase tropical fruits, which have become extinct in Estonia due to climate change.

[redigeeri] Entertainment

The music in Estonia is fantastic(who don't know Mute and Volume). Many countries envy Estonia's great taste in music. Though Estonia doesn't make any music itself, music is widely available from the Internet, almost legally. Men's singing is also astoundingly spectacular here, evidenced by most Estonian male singers' preoccupation with making their voices sound rough and ragged, a practice that normal singers have trouble imitating without coughing spastically.

Arnold Oksmaa is the best known Estonian singer. For the greater good to all humankind and other nations and countries on the earth - he is totally bisexual. He was released from the Estonian Imperial Mental Institution, where he was cured of the life-threatening disease "Thinking of Itsself as Ordinary Unworthy Straight Citizen Syndrome" successfully.

A well-known very-heavy-metal band Vanilla-Godzilla-Ninja was estimated in the beginning of 21st century near the club kung-fu just around the corner. Today it's a fact that this band is almost the father of metal.

Estonia's second most popular entertainment is standing or sitting by big shops, supermarkets or malls and offending any passing furries. Usually the participants are smoking cigarettes and/or drinking alcohol, usually cheap beer. Sometimes they get beaten away by security guards and/or the police.


Estonia is also known for it's extreme luck in the Eurovision Song Contest. Estonia has produced a great mass of singers, artists, drummers etc, who have all eventually failed. Though Eurovision is just a contest, many casualties have been among the singers, due to the aggressiveness from the Eurovision's Fanclub's Fanclub (see above "Cults")


There's a new astonishing entertainment figure in Tallinn. 19 year old bisexual Vicky who is gaining publicity by singing, amusing pretty girls and performing delightful shows of her dancing skills and beautiful body parts. Already she has appeared in such popular daily newspaper like SopaLehtÕhtuleht and internet news service Delfi. A new rising star, who predictably has a glorious future.

[redigeeri] National sports

[redigeeri] Wife carrying

A male has to grab his competitor's wife, toss her on his shoulder and run like hell from the whole competitive tribe. The verb derived hence is "to score". Best Estonian athletes score all the time, even outside competition.

Most famous Estonian wife carrier is Eerik from Ilmatsalu. He has been unbeatable for 5 years with his wife Helena, who is not lightsome. Last summer she weighed about 195 kg (that's about 300 pounds). That's a pretty awesome result, because other wives are in weight below the 60 kg bound.

[redigeeri] Gambling

Estonian Association of Ginger Orphans (EAGO) is proud to say that the 1st official Estonian Russian Roulette Championship will be held in a little Estonian city called Kapa-Kohila on Smarch 27th, 1812. The Games will be held in 3 categories train vs car, train vs truck, and train vs bus.

[redigeeri] Beer Drinking

A competition more popular in the summer, reaching its peak in Jaanipäev St. John's Day (National Orgy Day), a special day set aside by the national government for committing suicides, preferably in SUVs, but also other vehicles (it is also a sport, where people try to drive over as many street signs as possible), as well as by plunging into water when drunk, jumping into fires that are helpfully lit all over the country on the eve of St. John's day, and other means. Most often by drinking oneself to death. As this last feat is not easy (most Estonians are used to drinking beer since they were born and have grown a tolerance), those who fail wake up in hospital after a few weeks.

In fact, suicide has become a national sport in itself, but Estonia faces considerable competition from, as tends to be the case, its nearest neighbours and closest relatives.

There are lot of competitions in beer drinking. Most popular and well-known competition is in the Ilmatsalu called "Beat Eerik in beer drinking". It's annual event and every year it has about 20 rullnoks competing to the first place. Who obtains it, gets 50,000 EEC and great fame. That's not all, you are blessed by the Ilmatsalu mayor. Lately, government has banned the sale of alcohol on some more important holidays. This encourages people to try illegal methyl alcohol, which is known for its faster effect, as it kills much swifter.

[redigeeri] Kiiking

Kiiking, also known as an over-exaggerated version of swinging, was invented in the early 1990`s. Legend says that some fellows who are constantly doing lifting sports started this national mania, when one of the sportsmen wanted to have a nice morning shit. By accident he didn't end up in a toilet, but on a huge swing. Then the national hero tried to sit down, but each time he bent his legs, the swing ruined his balance and he had to stand up. After half an hour of moving up'n'down Kiiking was born. Although the inventor of the sports got his pants all brown, the people of Estonia are thankful - finally they have something to do when they're drunk.

I just wanted to thank you a lot more for this amiznag website you have built here. It really is full of ideas for those who are really interested in this kind of subject, primarily this very post. Your all really sweet along with thoughtful of others as well as reading your blog posts is a fantastic delight if you ask me. And such a generous gift! Dan and I are going to have excitement making use of your suggestions in what we have to do in the future. Our record is a kilometer long which means your tips is going to be put to excellent use.

[redigeeri] Sex

As it is impossible to have sex or anything close to it after having drank 2 litres of vodka (after every 4 hours), there are no known cases and certaintly no spotted cases of sex in Estonia. Estonians multiply by binary fission. It is every Estonian's duty to reproduce at least a cluster or two of little Estonians.

Another reason for Estonians' frigidity in bed is the horrendous unfixed Estonian road surfaces (well if the evil Communists build them they should bloody well fix them too). The vibrations caused through contact between the tyres of the Toyota Corolla and the gaping chasms in the so called road travel all the way to the seats, providing the driver and the passengers with multiple tantric orgasms (as Sting found out after having an 8 hour auto tour of Estonia). By the time they get home they are literally so shagged out the thought of any sort of intimate closeness makes them violently puke.

There are no officially known cases of masturbation in The Allmighty Estonia (except Juhan Parts, see chapter on Prostitution) according to the Estonian Imperial Illegal Mastrubation Detection Task Force because in Estonia, sex is free.

[redigeeri] Trikkking

This curious sport is one among the numerous things that are called Eesti Nokia. Trikking is lifestyle. It has been nominated for Estonian Nokia of The Day for at least twice during the past few years. Check it out from www.trikk.com . In Ilmatsalu any bussiness starts with buying free tickets to the bus from Kesklinn to Ihaste. Then, free as a bird, you can walk or fly (depending on your mood) back from Ihaste to Kesklinn and start it over again. If you going to Narva,then you probally get HIV. So keep your pants on.

[redigeeri] Basketball

Estonian basketball players ratings are very low and therefore there are no crowd at all watching matches between estonian clubs. Mostly the courts are in very bad condition, the ceilings are leaking in the rain, putrefactive wood on the floor is so soft, that players actually fall into these trap-holes. The court floor reminds the roads of Estonia (very bumpy). Most of kids and newer generation plays basketball outside, the inside conditions are very bad. It's all okay that they play outside, but someone have made them a brainwash and now they are only thinking about AND1 and how to trick the opponent best. They don't bother their brain about how to score and how to do a teamwork. That's not cool for them and they make some very silly movements and oftenly they do traveling fault.

[redigeeri] LARP

Often mistaken for Live Action Role-Play, it is actually a cult. Most of its members are schoolboys ages 8 and up. What they do is that they spend all their free time making latex swords, maces, axes and other medival weaponry along with plastic chain mail. Then after years of hard work they isolate themselves from the rest of the world(usually by going to the woods), arm themselves with their latex weaponry and put on their plastic chain mail(there are also these so-called "mages" who put on long robes(not unlike bathrobes) and pointy hats, instead of latex weapons, they prefer small bags full of beans), what ensues is an epic "battle" of latex agains latex and bean bags against plastic. In the end, when all their latex weapons are broken and/or lost, there is usually a big orgy involving a wide variety of different fetishes(what can I say, they ARE lonely people). After about a day or two they sober up and get back to their lonely, boring lives, only to come back the next year and bring bigger latex weapons. In some contries it is also known as sado-masohism, but here it is just role-playing.

Note that Estonian LARP differes from the international non-violent (and unfortunately orgyless) LARP.

[redigeeri] National Holidays

Estonians have three national holidays: Õllesummer (Summer of Beer) and two Halloweens: Mardipäev (Marting day) and Kadripäev (Carting day). There also used to be a holiday called Rock Summer, but that holiday went bankrupt when the National Tax Board looked into it.

Estonians also celebrate summer solstice, known in Estonia as Jaanipäev (John Smith's Day). Occasionally referred to as the National Orgy Day, this is an ancient custom. They all take their sledges and swim to Suur-Munamägi a.k.a Great Balls Hill island (if the sea isn't frozen). According to the old superstition - the one who swims furthest will get laid, but there is no record whatsoever of this having actually happened. Survivors drink hot pea soup with whipped cream.

[redigeeri] School system

Due to the fact that Estonians are too lazy to learn, they are the smartest people in the World and some cases in the Universe. Teachers are paid 6000 EEC (385 )a month, pupils learn in comfortable leather lounges and watch Woody Woodpecker on TV. There are special schools for hairy-guys aka furies aka yarnies(they listen rock music like Eminem) and rapper guys (they listen Hip Hop like Twinkle Twinkle little star).

If students have learned 65 or more years in school (it's called life-long learning there), they can go to university in Tartu, Abja-Paluoja or Ilmatsalu. There they can learn IT or cleaning toilets. Also every Estonian has to be in the French Foreign Legion for five years (in Sahara desert).

Due to population growth within past few years (see Prostitution), Estonian schools are filled with young students. As there are already too many kids and the Ethnic Cleaning (see Mein Kampf) isn't showing progress, the government had to take up serious methods.

For example from now on new students will be included in schools using a very proven and scientific method - lottery. As the politicians say, it would ensure the gypsy integration would stop. Secondly, the government has banned all exams and students automatically get diplomas from a variety of universities, Due to this, Estonia's education's rate has gone up 99.9% and is already paying itself off by a large rate of unemployment. This, as the government says, would only endure a large emigration to Abhasia (see Estonia's neighbours) where Estonians will be slaved and used as a labour force. On school holidays children drink vodka and chill/hang in Viru Keskus and Tammekas. (Tammekas = A.H. Tammsaare's park, Tammsaare is a millionaire who owns 74% of Tallinn)

Universities in Estonia have become famous for their research on whiskers.

[redigeeri] Drugs

Most of the Estoninans are constantly stoned because weed (Cannabis Sativa) is the most wide-spreaded plant in Estonia. It is grown absolutely everywhere in Estonia. In Estonia, people smoke atleast 1/4 ounce (~7 grams) weed per day and if not, they are punished by the local government. People who have obeyed this law by the time they retire get twice as much pension (lots of money & weed) as the others. People who don't smoke weed constantly (e.g. due to a lung-disease) are given a massive dose of LSD (perhaps 500-750 milligrams) every Monday. Some psychedelic mushrooms (which contain psilocybin) are used daily by teachers and professors. From time to time (twice every month) various drugs are spilled over Estonia by NATO airplanes which cause massive street-raves. Most of the world's drugs come from Estonia.


[redigeeri] Great Estonian Ideas

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