Eesti Geograafiline Asetus

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Eesti on õnnelikult topitud kuhugi Poola ja Rohemaa vahele, ainult natuke vasakul Hiinast ja suhteliselt maailma keskel. Moskva ei ole Eestiga kuidagi seotud.



Tartu on Eesti pealinn aastast 1976 - kui sellest kirjutati Kroonikas. See on üks suurimaid linnu Euroopas, koosnedes 456 ruutkilomeetrist maast ja 2000 tonnist halvast õhust. Enamus nö. rahvast koosneb noortest ja enamasti purjus inimestest (sammuti tuntud kui õliõpilane Tartu õlikoolist). Neid võib identifitseerida õlle kannude järgi nende käes. Hamlet Shakespearest oli sammuti Tartu Õlikooli tudeng ja ühel hommikul ütles ta kuulsad sõnad 'Kaks õlut või rohkem - see on küsimus'. Pärast lühikest diskussiooni endaga (180 millisekundit või nii), võttis ta umbes 10 õlut ja jõi neid järgnevad viis tundi vetsus. Ta magas maha oma loengu ja ta saadeti Tallina Õlikooli. Kui Taani ostis Tallina, õppis Hamlet elktrilist robottantsu kuskil Lätis.


As the living inhabitants of Tartu are known to be quite scarce, they have made monument for every single one of them - just to feel more cozy. Every 100 000th inhabitant gets his or her very special statue with a number. There are 16 people with statue for 100 000th (You can calculate by yourself how many people live in Tartu).


Anu Saagim, the high priestess of PUTS (Prostitution United with the Tits of Saagim)

You can see plenty of beautiful women in Tartu. But only if You are blind of course.

The estonian women are so beautiful, that most men get instantly a boner and turn into stone. That's why there is a large amount of stone statues in Estonia and a very small population. Though many of the men are stone figures, sex is still very popular allover the country. It is a natural thing for estonians, because their first king Son of Kalev got laid for the first time when raping a young Finnish girl. Every year the estonian men travel to Finland to celebrate their king's fucking spree and to rape Finnish women. This event is also called "Kull ja Kiri", about 2/5 of the women in finland are raped in the process of the raging estonian men.

All Estonian women belong to a special female organisation, a sacred sisterhood. It is for short PUTS. The order's leader is Anu Saagim, who is the high priestess and also the vice president of Estonia.

Homoharem in Tartu

Recently there has been very much gossip and rumours about the fact that the Homoharem is gaining influence again. None can prove this, but it is known that a small group of 17 year old schoolboys have restored the ancient secrets of the Harem and by unleashing the forbidden knowledge, have gained unlimited powers and urges to things they never even dreamed of.

The University of Tartu

There are also 1274 professors. But more importantly, there is this legendary Club of Physicists by Accident that, I bet, you've not yet heard of. Their main activity is beer-studing and sauna-side-effects-research-on-beer-studing (or simply BS & SSERoBS). They have also changed all the laws of Newton and now they can drink more beer and have more fun in Toomemägi (eng. City Council Mountain) with female students.

[1] You can check here how look Tartu people now in present day It looks weird before 6 beers.

Tartu City Hall

Tartu City Hall is situated near the Mount Pirogov (a 200 m high peak in the centre of the Pirogov Square). However, the exact coordinates of the City Hall are still unclear, due to constant flame wars. You can ask anytime from anybody where the Pirogov is. If you have more than 2 beer cans in your hands you will find a pathfinder within seconds; and once you have consumed more than two litres of beer, you will find the way all by yourself.


Tartu has many neighbors with whom they want to keep good relationship, but this is the fight with windmills. Want to know why? Because there are blood-thirsty neighbors at the west, about 7 km from Tartu is a place called Ilmatsalu. The Ilmatsalu folks are terrifying Tartu's ones and don't let them live in peace. Sometimes they take Nissan type cars (like Primera or Sunny) and come to Tartu for street racing. Always a few or some pedestrians get hit by surprice and by street racers and they have to be transported to Tartu University Clinic where their pieces are going to be surgeoned together. All that crap is led by the Ilmatsalu's most famous man - Eerik "The Red Viking".


Tallin was considered as being a part of David Hasselhoff's right butt-cheek. However after TV shows cancelation, Tallin announced independence from Davids butt and became the capital of Estonia. Due to its geographical location Tallin attracts huge amount of FDI (Finnish Drunk Idiots) and/or Russian mob.

Tallin is a small hamlet in South-Northern Estonia near Abja-Paluoja and Elva, mostly known by cheap beer and nice women, or the other way around, i.e. nice beer and cheap women -- there are few who know for sure. The name derives from a local "tall inn" frequented by giants. In some cases "Tall inn" means "In Barn"

Tallin was founded in the Medieval Times by the Finnish kinsmen on the other side of the gulf, who needed a place to store their booze supplies. It was also designed to be a playground for drunken Finns, who still kindly help to decrease the amount of alcohol stored in Tallin. Recently, huge crowds of Brits have been seen wandering around, too.

Tallin (and some parts of Setomaa) is currently controlled by a group called MnG, short for Mines'n'Grenades, the official name of Estonian Terrorist Union.

People in Tallin are using sunglasses on day and night. This helps them to keep work on their mind every time. Regular Tallin people have one track from time to time work-home and home-work. Teenagers spend their whole day in and Viru Keskus and hug each other without reason.

One of the most interesting feature of Tallin is that Tallin is the only populated place in Estonia and not owned by someone or something. Bars are very common here also. Grizzly Bars. That is. One of the most interesting bars in Tallin is The Pit Stop. This is a Karaoke Bar and most Saturday nights you will find a great variety of wannabe popstars or homosexual men. One of the most famous is SAMMY "THE PELVIS" WHITE. Great act. NOT TO BE MISSED!!!!!!


Abja-Paluoja a.k.a. "Da Sity" is the 3rd biggest city on the Planet Uranus. It has its own shop, university and police office. It was founded in the 13. century by Al Bundy The Great. Everyone who live in Abja-Paluoja should buy their alcohol from Maret (located next to the bank). The official slogan of Abja-Paluoja, "Tõnn on munn" (meaning Dick is dick), whitch is carved in on every wall of the city. Yeah that's right


Border-town Narva located at the edge of unknown.

A peripheral area near Estonia. Usually it is seen as an island on the Gulf of Estonia. However, it may not be true, as the air near Narva is intoxicated and so there are few who dare to approach the deadly spot for further investigations.

It is believed that in the past Narva was a part of Greenland. But after hearing that alcohol in Estonia is much cheaper, inhabidants decided cut their littel peninsula of the continent of North and row over the gulf. Soon the reached the sourthern shore and found out that life in esonia isen't not at all easy. So they decided to go back to their homeland. But the costums officer was drunk from the cheap boose and lost documents of all Narvanians. From this day on Narva has stayed in the borderzone between Estonia and Greenland. The city of Jaanalind, which is populated by penguins only, lies on the Greenlandic side of the border.


The legend has it, that there lives a big urakas who has a little vamps . We don't know where KK exactly is but we are sure that you don't want to go there. Second part of the name - Kohila is derived from word 'kohitsema', that means cutting off testicles.


It is a city in north east of Estonia. K-J`s meer is Venelane, Citizens are from TIBLA-stan and so they can`t speak Estonian. They communicate with loud grunts, hissing and spitting. They are brought from Tiblastan for work in ashmines. But there are also some native Estonians. They hope to leave one day but Estonian king has forget them so they have to survive (somehow).

The Estonian Imperial Mental Institution is located in Kohtla-Järve. There are no doctors - only psychos. They have to stay there for about 4 years and they learn to speak there (we are not yet sure how exactly they manage to learn there or even stay there as no one but them ever dares to enter. Especially not those who are able to teach. However, it is rumored that aliens and gay donkeys are involved). After their studies they are sent to Russia for ... NO MORE INFORMATION- THE INSTITUTION IS TOP SECRET


Pärnu mainly consists of yuppies swearing in English. Pärnu is the most mountainous city in Estonia, it's located in the highest mountain in the country - that would be The-Great-Egg-Hill -, but if we compare this so called "mountain" with some Italian mountain range, then we can modestly call it for a hill (315.25 m). So it's very complicated to come there, but still the city is too crowded in summer times. People will do whatever it takes to see the ocean in the centre of the city, it's well known for it's summer resorts underwater. Summer resorts are very popular with People really enjoy eating ice-cream and sour flavoured potato chips while swimming. Kids sell that crap at beach that is full of pretty flowers. There are no ways to get to Pärnu, so I guess you'll just have to find it. PS: No air traffic!


Ilmatsalu is located in Southern Estonia. Most of estonian people call it just a village, but for the locals it is a big city. Scary UH! But don't worry, there are just enough police officers in Estonia, who can handle those messy people. Their brain size is equal to monkey's brain and neighbouring cities call them 'Maakad' (peasants). Unfortunately they have some money (nobody knows how they get it), and have bought some old cool BMWs. They start tuuuning them with crappy visual stickers like 'ALPINE' or 'OZ Racing wheels', but if you look at their cars carefully you just can't find any of these items there. There is a myth that a sticker can prove your car 5 to 15hp more power, but that's a myth and what they really have are lousy cars with earsplitting engine sound. They don't know anything about repairing their exhausted system or engine itself. Pity of them. But don't worry, there are so few people still living (~650) there.

Ilmatsalu is located near Haage. Haage is away more important and bigger City but less known. The members of the Haage gang are powerful Wiccans who can kill the Ilmatsalu people at any time. They have more important things to brag about, however, so you can hardly catch them actually killing anyone.

The mayor of Ilmatsalu is Tauno Tagel who wrote parts of this article and is for that deed mentioned in the book "5 Great People From Ilmatsalu And The Surroundings".

The real star of Ilmatsalu is a bald basketball--and-rap-star Qb (not to be mistaken as bbq (barbeque)), but he does not go to gym with Eerik, so he is not as known as Eerik is.


Jõgeva is a metropol located next to Polish border. The town has incredible amount of architectural attractions including the oldest church in the world. The harbour of Jõgeva is well known around the world. Incredible progress during 1029 years has produced even more important harbour located on the shore of Estonian Gulf than Hamburg. The population of the city consists mostly of South American cannibals. Jõgeva is world-renowned for its production of Terry's Chocolate Oranges. After joining European Union inhabitants of Jõgeva have started rebuilding ancient pyramids of Laiuse with little help of EU-structural-funds. Those magnificant buildings were destroyed by Finnish alcoholics whose leader was famous Beldoma Jussinen.


Väike linn kuskil tundmatus kohas. Tugevad tormituuled põhjustavad Saaremaad muutma oma positsiooni maailmakaardil. Kuressaare vanalinn on isegi nii vana, et ta eksisteeris enne seda, kui Päike alustas paistmist. Kitsad keskaja tänavad on nii kitsad, et paks mees nimega Dick Chayney (või kuidas kuidas seda kirjutatakse US ja A's) jäi kinni ja nad pidid purustama kolm kvartalit hooneid, et teda päästa. Vana lossi vallikraav oli viimane tuntud koht, kus inimesed nägid Loch Ness koletist.


Saku is a big hole near Abja-Paluoja. Most of the people, who live in Saku, speak Flinstonian. Their most popular food in Saku (like marmelade in China) is a fried water. The people are mostly from Atlantic Ocean and all the survivors of the Titanic catastrophy live there. Nobody in Saku can swim. That's why Saku's population has grown fifty six thousand billion x-gryllion times higher with 1 month. Saku's mayor is mr. Ardo Kärnaste. The political power belongs to gangs. The most known gang in Saku is Karla's gäng. Best known members are Karlike, Karl, Charlie and Caka. There is a brewery in Saku, which is in the bottom of Saku hole. It is the most non-un-popular brewery station in Mustamäe state. The people of Saku do not have problems with drinking because they don't like bottles. So they sell all the beer to Ventspils. There are many kindergarten-universities in Saku. The most popular school in Saku is Saku Õlletehase Ühiskümnaasjumi Instituut. The most famous Sakunian is Rudolf Albatross. He's the one who invented the rock. He is also the most loved Sakunian in Saku because he won the "Moodne Kodu 1870" [translation: Modern Home 1870] contest with the help of his cat. Saku Mõis is the son of the famous Estonian politican Jüri Mõis and he lives near Saku Ocean, which is the best known swimming place there. The next most known man in Saku is Dj Ryan Angelos. No one knows his real name, but who cares? He has taken his cool nickname from the most fameous person in the World. He is small boy with big earphones. You can easily find him from the railway viaduct. You have to see his dancing skills - no one dance as good as he. Mostly he listens hardstylish drance - the same what rullnoks! You can listen him in local pub, where he plays his CD's (he don't play burned music, because it's not so quality. But someone called DJ Finito is playing burned music and therefore he is a enemy for him). In his deep heart, he is calm and genuine. You just have to met him and get acquainted with him - his friends will be yours friends. Link to his skill of dancing : Scroll down and download first, second and third videos

Muhu island[muuda]

Muhu island is not actually a town, its an island where really strange creatures come from. The most famous creature is Odobenus rosmarus known also as the Walrus. The people form Muhu are really strange: first of all, they all look like women, exept for the Walrus, secondly they don´t understand when people make fun of them (they just say "mis mõttes nagu?" = "what do you mean by that?"), and finally they are mostly uncivilized, running around, hunting walrusses, and make other stupid activities. They are also very short, average height is about 1.30-1.35, except for the Walrus, who is HUGE(it is impossible to measure her due to it`s big beer stomach). Once in the year they come all together and cut down the hay, then they pile it up and burn it down and then they jump through the fire for fun. Their traditions are strange, but their most special thing is "Muhu tikand", which deals with handcrafting.

New York[muuda]

New York is a little village under Tartu deep in ground. Before the formation of Tartu city, New York was part of Põlvamaa country, governed by Räpina prefecture. From the time of the Savisaar Dynasty (AD 960–1279), New York gradually became a busy seaport, outgrowing its original political jurisdictions. It was named New York in 1929 after the death of Chairman of the Presidium of the Supreme Soviet of the Estonia. Kaliningrad Oblast is the most heavily militarized area of the Ida-Virumaa, and the density of military infrastructure is the highest in Ilmatsalu.

External links[muuda]

Eesti Värk